Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Ayelet drives off another man

If you follow me on Faceebook and/or twitter, you may have deduced that I was recently terminated for taking an ethical stand at work. I don't want to go into the details, only to say that after months of aggressive nonsupport, I am no longer a clinical supervisor. At any particular agency. I'm still a good supervisor, and what happened -- what led up to my firing -- was almost not my fault.

That's the deduction from my social work mentor group. They were incredibly supportive as I described the circumstances leading up to the termination. Clearly my supervisor was retaliating unfairly and unethically against me.

However, I was "provoking" her. Not because I was doing anything inherently wrong, but because I was highlighting areas of disagreement with her. The mentor in my group thought I should examine why I felt such a strong need to do that, if I knew it would piss her off and little good or difference would actually come of it. Especially since a few of the decisions I made included deliberation of whether I would regret the action -- and I proceeded anyway.

Why do I do things I might regret? My therapist and I explored this yesterday. I engage in confrontations over abstract principles. Often the only outcome is negative for me, which I recognize, yet I stick to my guns. Why? Apparently I'm sick of people bullying me, hurting me, being nasty to me and not suffering any negative consequences. I need to point out their error, even to my own detriment.

It has happened so much in my life. I've been bullied in numerous jobs. Hurt by men, family members, personal trainers. There's never any retribution. So I keep fighting -- even though at this point, the outcome of my actions only hurts me more.

That may or may not be the reason. It's the first time I've engaged in such deep introspection with this therapist. We also discussed my mother, to make it almost entirely psychoanalytic, and I'm happy to report that she told me it was okay for me not to talk to her after what her degenerate pervert boyfriend did. And yet I dreamed about them last night.

As a behaviorist, I'm uncomfortable with this much subconscious, so back to the here and now: I was fired, and even though I felt ashamed to admit it to the mentor group, they were incredibly supportive. They believe I'll be okay. They believe I'm a good clinician. They believe I'll get another job.

I sure hope they're right. I've actually already turned down a job offer. I applied for an LCSW position and was interviewed for a program director position. I turned it down after being offered the job because 1) I don't think I'm ready to be in charge and 2) they changed the terms on me.

When I interviewed, I was told that Angela would be my supervisor. She's a mid-level administrator in the agency. The offer letter, however, said that I would be reporting to Corrine, who is much higher in rank.

I like Corrine. I met her at my first interview for the position. She told me, "We think you're a brilliant clinician, and we want to train you to be a superlative manager." (I might have forgotten the adjectives but the nouns are the same.)

I was flattered. But I was also flattered by the last two people who hired me -- who then turned on me for not being what they wanted or expected. And I just am not confident enough in my management skills to trust myself to do well in that kind of position yet. Also, Corrine is exponentially more busy than Angela. Even though she said I'd get supervision -- well, I was promised supervision and support by the last two people who fired me.

So I said no. Regretfully, and apprehensively, because I don't know when I'll get another good job offer. But I can't afford to flame out a third time in another six months. I am so tired of being on probation. I want to be at my next job for a very long time. (If you're a bit confused, I confess that I was too ashamed to admit I was fired from my last job. You should hear how I spin that on interviews.)

More importantly, I want to work in a psychiatric setting. I'm tired of trying to jerry-rig a treatment regimen with outside psychiatric practitioners, which is what happens at almost all substance abuse programs. Eventually New York State will merge its substance abuse and mental health oversight agencies (New Jersey did that years ago, which is kind of embarrassing), but for now, while most treatment focuses primarily either on substance use or psychiatric issues, I want to focus on the latter. It's why I sought training in substance use -- to better serve people with psychiatric disorders, almost all of whom use. I need to make the switch, and now is the time.

So I'm interviewing again. I guess it's good not to take the first job you're offered and to trust that there will be others. Although that was my dating philosophy for decades, and that was quite a debacle.

Speaking of dating debacles, I had another recently. Low-stakes, since the guy's not Jewish and arguably not desirable. His OKCupid screenname is XChristianGreyX, and here's a sample paragraph from his profile:

l am Gods gift to women, I was sent down from heaven for the sole purpose of providing womens pleasure, so consider yourself to be extremely fortunate that I am talking to you and privilaged should I allow you the opportunity to meet me. After a lifetime of being a debonair international playboy, I have decided to abandon that lifestyle by hanging up my James Bond tuxedo, throwing my Hugh Hefener smoking jacket in the garbage and look for my ONE TRUE LOVE.. 

His profile picture is a smiley emoticon. Not someone I'd usually be interested in, but he wrote me:

I eat melted mozzarella by the pound......literally by the pound. Amazingly my cholesterol is normal as is my in proportion to my height. How I don't know (smiley smiley smiley big smiley)

Now I don't feel like tigger anymore !!!

Why am I interested in communicating with him? I just want to see if I can keep his interest. If I can flirt successfully. I didn't know how to respond to his initial contact; I do say that I love melted cheese in my profile, but how do I keep the conversation going?

Genetic luck, most likely. OKCupid is warning me not to transfer funds to you and to keep my conversations safely on OKCupid.

My cholesterol is terrible. Really, really terrible; you'd think I live on steak and heavy cream.  Since I don't, it's either the result of bad genetics or one of the antidepressants I'm on. Obviously I'm not going to cop to being on antidepressants. Also, OKCupid was giving me that warning, so I might as well use that, right?

It's a day later and I'm still not sure why I wrote that to him. I guess I didn't want to engage with a scammer, but otherwise it looks like I'm.... highlighting a disagreement of sorts. Like I always do.

Ahhh I know why they do that.......because I have an option to contact me on kik in my profile. But thanks for the heads up luv

Okay. Now what do I say?

Well, that's a relief. I thought you were some kind of deranged pervert masquerading as a normal guy ;)

Because of all the Christian Grey references. Sarcasm. Is that flirtatious? A day later, I'm thinking not.

Lmao. I'm a regular guy luv. I am actually a little offended that they would even put that up there.

I don't know what to say. I'm so bad at flirting!

You do look a bit jaundiced. Have you seen a doctor?

Because the emoticon is yellow. That's clever, right?

Maybe it's from the melted mozzarella!!! Lol

What do I say? What do I say? I know, I'll spring a mini-truth bomb on him.

Now I'm hungry ;) I actually have to watch my melted cheese intake, sadly.

Aaaaaand.... crickets. I could have stopped at "hungry." Why did I have to admit that I'm either inclined to fat or high cholesterol?

Again, it's low-stakes because I wasn't actually interested in getting involved with him. But why did I think I had to disclose something negative so early on? Because I'm afraid that nobody will accept me and my diagnosis as a package deal?

Any psychoanalysts reading this are welcome to comment.
Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"