Sunday, September 20, 2015

How was the bar mitzvah? Horrible.

I went to my nephew's bar mitzvah. He did great, I did not. I forgot my lithium, so I missed a few doses and then got a few doses fromr a different manufacturer, so I was physically sick, and the whole event was just miserable for me. Largely because I really can't stand being around my mother and my sister.

My cousin Yaffa has been trying to support me, but ultimately I don't want her support if she's going to act like I've imagined all the harm and insults my sister and mother infliected on me. It's easy to say "forgive" or "accept" when you're not suffering physical pain and tens of thousands of dollars in medical costs..The easiest way for me to not be constantly angry and resentful is not to be reminded of them.

If I were feeling better, I'd try to describe the interactions I had with Yaffa, Jerusha, and my mother that upset me so much. But I'm not. I'm feeling lower than I've felt in a long time. I can't say I'm depressed, because I don't think I cry this much when I'm actually clinically depressed. I'm just miserable. To top it all off, my doctor found a mass in my right breast and my insurance won't pay for the imagining until I meet a $4000 deductible. Good old Aetna. I'm fighting with them over it but I doubt they'll concede.

Whether I've screwed up my life on my own or whether I've had help, I don't see it getting much better. Especially now that I'm 45 and wanted only as a sex object by boys under 25. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the loneliness.

Here is the email I want to send my cousin:

Yaffa, it's great that you're able to forgive my mother and my sister for the harm they've caused me and the pain I endure every day, but I guess I'm just not as serene as you are. Not that Jerusha thinks she ever did anything wrong, because it's always all my fault. Even though she promised to pay for gym membership and personal training and then left me on the hook for thousands of dollars, on top of the injury and continued pain for 10 years. Not to mention the thousands and thousands of dollars I've spent on treatment and pain medication, and will most likely have to continue to spend as long as I live. None of this is her fault, of course.

Neither of them has apologized or tried to make it up to me in any way. So it's just too difficult for me to be around them and around people who don't think they've done anything wrong. Thus, I need a break from you. I'll let you know the results of the scan and biopsy, if there is one. But if you're going to act like Jerusha  hasn't done awful things to me, and say she's "afraid" of how I "irrationally" react to the pain she helped put me in, then I don't want to be in contact with you.

Sorry if this sounds petty or small-minded, but it was also pretty small-minded for Jerusha to delete my friend requests instead of just saying she didn't want to be connected on Facebook. And it's too painful to watch her be actually nice to other people while struggling to be even polite to me, so I'm done with family events.

The same goes for my mother. I realize that I am an adult and responsible for my own life, but I can't help but wonder how different my life would have been had I not been exposed to so much pornography at such an impressionable age. I have no doubt I would have been messed up somehow, but I don't think I would have been messed up as badly. And I'm alone while that disgusting pervert has a comfortable retirement in her house. I refuse to forgive and say it's okay, because it's not. I have to live with the consequences: I'm alone and I will probably always be alone. So I don't want to be around people who act like my mother hasn't done anything wrong, when she let him sexually traumatize and warp me. Even now, she has more compassion for him than for me. So I am done with her.

I don't want to be around anyone who acts like my mother and my sister haven't hurt me. Acceptance is difficult when you're in constant pain and the unrepentant source is in your face. So I think for my own health I need to distance myself from them and the people who love them.

Copyright (c) "Ayelet Survivor"

1 comment:

  1. A beautiful and at times hilarious post - I feel your pain keenly and can identify on some level the expectation in "I don't want to be around anyone who acts like my mother and my sister haven't hurt me." I live with this and simply my presence at certain family events means I accept what they have done. I don't and it is still breathtakingly ignorant to expect me to.